Who Do You Think You Are? (Poem)
I thought that you were nice at first.
But apparently that was just an act of hurt.
So that you can take me down with you, jerk.
And you keep that thought in the back of my mind,
that any one of my loved ones could get cancer at just about any time.
Forget you. There’s nothing you can do, me and God are glued
I’m going to run faster than you, better get some new shoes
Cause I’m gonna finish this race. And He’s gonna wipe the floor with you.
You tryna' tell me that the very thing controlling me doesn’t even exist,
And that every time I sin God’s keeping a list, so why even bother.
Who do you think you are?
Even if every person I looked up to fell off the path
I’m going follow Jesus and do whatever He asks
Even if I have to give up music cause it turns to a sin
I can finally see there’s a wolf in that sheep skin
How can you strip every ounce of dignity I have left
And make me think that I’m a nobody when I reflect
You need to calm down, I’m a child of God that’s been sought out.
I don’t have to be an insecure monster that’s drowns in his sorrow
Or be crippled by anxiety and always worry about tomorrow
My soul ain’t something you can borrow!
It’s God’s, leave me alone.
I am not another clone
I am more than a single groan
I have new mercy that I’ve been shown
Calm down your stupid tone
You can’t have my family, you can’t have me.
You turned into the devil and I wanna be set free
Who do you think you are?
Making me think my guilt is something I deserve to feel
It's got me tripping up like I fell on a banana peel.
Oops.
I have a confession to make. Back when I was probably around 11 to 15 or so, I struggled with depression. I felt worthless, like I meant nothing to anybody. I honestly don't know what I was thinking then. To me, now, it seems kind of silly the things that would trigger those dark episodes. Which is why I can tell that something was going on inside me. I don't know what it was, but there was something wrong. It made me think I would never go anywhere in life. I pretty much thought I would be better off dead.
To come out and say this openly is kind of frightening. I don't want anyone to feel like it was their fault or they could have prevented it. Coming from the person who dealt with it, it wasn't anything anybody had done. The feelings would be triggered by something, yes, but I could tell there was something much deeper that was involved. Obviously I know I am not better off dead. I don't even know why I thought that at all. All I knew then was that Jesus could help, as cheesy as that may have sounded, it is still true.
When I would go down into those holes of depression, I would open my Bible and pray (well, more like beg), then repeat until I would snap out of it. It helped so much. I have a bathroom where there is an extra little room with a shower. Rewinding back a little, I remember when I was about 13 or 14 sitting in there with all the lights off. In complete darkness. Really asking myself if I should even try. I wasn't as cool as *insert friend here* who seemed to have all the girls liking him, and I never felt true happiness anymore. Those are the thoughts that caused me to hate myself. That was the lowest time I ever remember in my life. It seemed like Hell.
Finally I don't even know how I changed so fast. I suddenly started opening my Bible and begging God to take away those thoughts. Every time it happened I would do that over and over again. Over time, it all stopped. The thoughts, the depression, the lies that went through my head. God brought me out of it. Also, because I had spent so much time soaking in God's Word and praying I grew so much spiritually, I didn't even know it was possible. It was a defining moment in my life for my faith as well. Some people might say that I didn't have "real depression", but I don't really care what it was. I was not thinking of technical terms when I was contemplating giving up.
This little story is more proof that God can turn even the absolute worst times, into something more than incredible. I am so thankful that He put it on my heart to retreat to Him when I was hurting. I never told anyone this and it never dawned on me that God saved me from that situation until I was recently thinking about it. So instead of this being about how life is hard, or about how we should stop doing something, let this be an encouragement. That you aren't worthless. You have meaning, and you need to be shown that you do have meaning. Telling others won't solve the problem, but it can help. I can't promise that you will suddenly be cured, I can just tell you what happened to me. Jesus helped me.
I pray this helps you in some way.
From your friend,
Luke.
#FreedomFromMe
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