Why God Can Use Your Darkest Times For Greatness (My Depression)

Who Do You Think You Are? (Poem)

I thought that you were nice at first.
But apparently that was just an act of hurt.
So that you can take me down with you, jerk.
And you keep that thought in the back of my mind, 
that any one of my loved ones could get cancer at just about any time.
Forget you. There’s nothing you can do, me and God are glued
I’m going to run faster than you, better get some new shoes
Cause I’m gonna finish this race. And He’s gonna wipe the floor with you.
You tryna' tell me that the very thing controlling me doesn’t even exist,
And that every time I sin God’s keeping a list, so why even bother.
Who do you think you are?
Even if every person I looked up to fell off the path
I’m going follow Jesus and do whatever He asks
Even if I have to give up music cause it turns to a sin
I can finally see there’s a wolf in that sheep skin
How can you strip every ounce of dignity I have left
And make me think that I’m a nobody when I reflect
You need to calm down, I’m a child of God that’s been sought out.
I don’t have to be an insecure monster that’s drowns in his sorrow
Or be crippled by anxiety and always worry about tomorrow
My soul ain’t something you can borrow!
It’s God’s, leave me alone.
I am not another clone
I am more than a single groan
I have new mercy that I’ve been shown
Calm down your stupid tone
You can’t have my family, you can’t have me.
You turned into the devil and I wanna be set free
Who do you think you are?
Making me think my guilt is something I deserve to feel
It's got me tripping up like I fell on a banana peel. 

Oops.



     I have a confession to make. Back when I was probably around 11 to 15 or so, I struggled with depression. I felt worthless, like I meant nothing to anybody. I honestly don't know what I was thinking then. To me, now, it seems kind of silly the things that would trigger those dark episodes. Which is why I can tell that something was going on inside me. I don't know what it was, but there was something wrong. It made me think I would never go anywhere in life. I pretty much thought I would be better off dead.
     To come out and say this openly is kind of frightening. I don't want anyone to feel like it was their fault or they could have prevented it. Coming from the person who dealt with it, it wasn't anything anybody had done. The feelings would be triggered by something, yes, but I could tell there was something much deeper that was involved. Obviously I know I am not better off dead. I don't even know why I thought that at all. All I knew then was that Jesus could help, as cheesy as that may have sounded, it is still true.
     When I would go down into those holes of depression, I would open my Bible and pray (well, more like beg), then repeat until I would snap out of it. It helped so much. I have a bathroom where there is an extra little room with a shower. Rewinding back a little, I remember when I was about 13 or 14 sitting in there with all the lights off. In complete darkness. Really asking myself if I should even try. I wasn't as cool as *insert friend here* who seemed to have all the girls liking him, and I never felt true happiness anymore. Those are the thoughts that caused me to hate myself. That was the lowest time I ever remember in my life. It seemed like Hell.
     Finally I don't even know how I changed so fast. I suddenly started opening my Bible and begging God to take away those thoughts. Every time it happened I would do that over and over again. Over time, it all stopped. The thoughts, the depression, the lies that went through my head. God brought me out of it. Also, because I had spent so much time soaking in God's Word and praying I grew so much spiritually, I didn't even know it was possible. It was a defining moment in my life for my faith as well. Some people might say that I didn't have "real depression", but I don't really care what it was. I was not thinking of technical terms when I was contemplating giving up.
     This little story is more proof that God can turn even the absolute worst times, into something more than incredible. I am so thankful that He put it on my heart to retreat to Him when I was hurting. I never told anyone this and it never dawned on me that God saved me from that situation until I was recently thinking about it. So instead of this being about how life is hard, or about how we should stop doing something, let this be an encouragement. That you aren't worthless. You have meaning, and you need to be shown that you do have meaning. Telling others won't solve the problem, but it can help. I can't promise that you will suddenly be cured, I can just tell you what happened to me. Jesus helped me.

I pray this helps you in some way.
From your friend,
Luke.

#FreedomFromMe

I Don't Have An Answer.

     I just need to vent for a moment. I don't know how long this will end up being. I hate this world's state. No I'm not about to rant about the world and how we can solve it, I'm about to rant about how we can't solve it. And that scares me. Throughout my years of living, I hear people yelling at me telling me "this" is how to solve our problems, or "that" is how. I was recently reading a philosophy book and I came across a problem called The Trolley Problem.

I'll break it down for you:
     There is a a train that is going full speed and it cannot be stopped in any way, shape, or form. The train is approaching a part of the track where it can break off to another path way. All it takes is a simple pull of a lever to turn the train's course down to the other pathway. On one of the two paths to take are 4 people. They will not move off the tracks, if you don't pull the lever they will be hit and killed. Now on the second track that leads off the main one, is a single person. If you pull the lever and divert from killing the 4 people, you will kill the one person. The question here is, do you pull the lever and save the 4 people in exchange for the one man's life, or do you leave the train down its course and kill the 4 people?

     Many philosophers have debated this for centuries. Frankly it seems hyper-unlikely, but according to how the world works, it could happen. We can think up plenty of other situations too that have the same basic moral dilemma. Honestly even if there is some sort of loop hole here, there are plenty of other situations that we just can't explain. Why do people kill themselves? Why do I doubt my faith? Why am I insecure? I am constantly haunted by countless unanswerable questions. Ask any one of any age, nobody has the answer to everything. And we can't have the answer. We won't even have the answers in this life. Give up on that.

     If we can grasp this idea, we can stop acting like we are living perfect lives in our perfect world. Being fake disgusts me. My family isn't perfect at all. We fight a lot, but I love them to death. And I will love them to my death. If you are struggling with something you don't have to act like you have everything together. We sure as heck know we don't have it together. I despise masks. And the fact that I wear them.

     No I am not smart. I don't feel smart or godly at all. I don't feel qualified to write this, I don't feel good and right with God, I haven't even opened my Bible in the past week. What's up with that? Adults used to tell me I was poster boy for a good child, but on the inside I was hurting. I acted like everything was great, but me and God both knew that it wasn't. I only act confident so that I can hide my lack of confidence. I tell people, "I'm doing great" when I am not. Some days I feel completely hopeless, other days I'm happy as can be. I don't think that I'm going to Hell or anything, in fact I think quite the opposite. Jesus was sent here to take our place in Hell. He died so that even though I struggle internally, I can be free one day. This life is going to be hard, all the way to the end. Don't set yourself up to live a perfect life in an imperfect world. You will be let down. Loved ones will die. But we can have this hope in Jesus that everything will be alright! The world is broken, and I can't fix it, you can't fix it, nobody can. God has given us hope, if we will take it.

     So if you don't have the answers, that's okay. Life isn't over. We have to make due with what we have. After all we chose sin over God. Thankfully He didn't leave us, but gave us another chance. We just have to live with our consequences until Jesus comes back. I pray it is soon. Oh so soon. I guess I am just tired of acting like I have the answers in an answerless world. I don't know why a mother's child got cancer and died. I hate it and it is horrible, but I won't act like there is an answer to it that I know. I don't know why people kill themselves, but maybe the answer lies in the reality of hopelessness in a world where they don't know Jesus. So stop explaining, and do more praying. Stop looking to make this world perfect and harmonious when it is dying. The only thing that isn't dying is our souls. Invest and feed them. It's all we have left that is meaningful.

I am not saying all this to depress people, because it should be the opposite. This should show you that you can take off your mask and be honest. You won't be cured of all your struggles forever, but it can definitely help a lot. You can still find peace in this broken world, but it starts with admitting we are indeed broken.

I hope this encourages you, I pray to God that it does.
#ThisIsMe

Also: here is my song of the day! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvOBYXXUQfE

If I Were To Die Tomorrow...

-Another insert from my book-

If I Died…

     If it came to it that I died today or tomorrow, I want everybody to know that I never gave up. Regardless of the temptations thrown at me, I keep pressing on. Regardless of how many times I stumbled, I got back up, and pressed on. I want my family to know that I loved them and would take a bullet for every one of them. In fact, I want every person I have ever come into contact with to know that I would have died for every single one of you. I doesn’t matter if I knew you or not, I can honestly say I would die for you. If I died tonight, I know that I will be at peace with God. Maybe I won’t live to be an old man. My life could end in an instant. This should scare non-believers to the core. The beauty of Jesus is once you’ve accepted Him, it doesn’t matter if you die. I know that I’ve messed up in every way possible. Jesus saved me now suddenly I’m worthy! If I die tomorrow, I want people to use the love I showed as fuel to never give up.

     Be weary, those that seem to have this “God” thing figured out might burn in Hell the next day. There’s fakes and there’s the people who don’t believe at all. They throw this all aside like it really doesn’t matter. But just like Jesus, I’m going to put my all in preaching to a world who hates preachers.

     When it comes down to it, this world really doesn’t matters. It will all fade away eventually. Where are you going when that happens? Have you been the guy who signed a paper and got baptized, but never grew in your faith? It’s time to man up, because this is all that matters. Your grades don’t matter. Your looks don’t matter. Basketball doesn’t matter. Football doesn’t matter. That job you covet really doesn’t matter. Use your life preparing for eternity. Others opinions will soon fade away. Your house will be wiped away, along with your body. What lasts forever is your soul. The best thing you can do here on earth is build relationships. Don’t wait to take Jesus as your savior; He is standing there with arms wide open. All you have to do is run to them!

Only Two Ways

      In the story of the cross, when Jesus was being crucified, there were also two others beside Him. What this story breaks down to is a perfect analogy of what will happen to everyone at the end of their life. One of the men hanging there beside Jesus cried out for forgiveness, and said he believed that what Jesus said was true. Because of the man’s repentance, Jesus said “You will join me in paradise.” No matter what you have done, or what stage of life you are in, you can always be forgiven. No sin is too great to out-weigh what Jesus took on that cross.

     The problem is, you don’t know if you’ll die in your sleep tonight, get shot walking somewhere, or die instantly in a car crash. It could happen, and it would be too late. The other end of the story is that the other man next to Jesus didn’t care. He was angry and full of hate. Jesus didn’t beg him to repent. He won’t beg you either. When the two men died, one went to eternal bliss, and the other to eternal torture. If Hell is the opposite of Heaven, and Heaven is full of goodness, what do you think will be in Hell? For me, I don’t care what is there, because that’s not where I’m going. Where are you going?

Your definition of failure affects your entire view on God.

     I remember growing up and hearing all these amazing stories of a God that did all these great things for people. They made it seem like He was a magical fairy who sits up in Heaven waiting to hear just the right words before giving the people what they want. People used to say “I’ve been praying about this for years now and I don’t know why He won’t answer me!” My response is, maybe your personal comfort doesn’t matter. Maybe even though you do everything the spirit tells you to do, you won’t get anything in return (physically at least). I propose that being a “prayer warrior”, in the sense that you just pray for the same thing (wording it different each time) for hours and hours, really does nothing at all. He wants us to bring our struggles to Him and ask him to make sense of them, maybe if it is His will, He’ll give us what we desire. Even in the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus says, “Your will be done”. If someone close to you has cancer, you should be asking God for His will to be done. Perhaps dying and going to be with God is a better solution than your selfish desires. I’m not saying you’re wrong for wanting something bad to go away. I completely understand that in that moment we just want it to go away. I’m saying we should be asking God to take what we don’t understand, and use it for His glory. However, we have a big tendency in this day and age to think we know as much as God.

     How do you view a prayer that goes unanswered? Let me assure you that God didn’t fail or forget. If we view getting what we want as “success” then, we need to change. If “failing” is not getting what we want, then God fails a lot. He gives us the choice to choose what He wants and knows is best, or to choose what he doesn’t want. Regardless, he stills gives us the choice. Scary thought, right? “Luke, you can’t say that! God is perfect!” That He is, so what gives you the right to define God’s failure or success at all? The only failure here is us failing to see the bigger picture. God doesn’t give us all the answers, and is in no way required to.

     Just like children don’t understand why they can’t go to the park by themselves, we question God like we know what’s better. If we start being followers, and stop being the annoying guy that always gives his irrelevant opinion, we can find a lot more peace. When we see that the story isn’t about us, but God’s ultimate triumph over evil, suddenly our problems don’t seem that big anymore.

The Mind Of Luke

-The Mind Of Luke-

What scares me is what other people give up on.
When you ask them what they dream about they blabble through a sentence like a run-on.
It’s as if the force of laziness is seeming a little too strong.
As soon as I get told I can’t do something, I want to prove them dead wrong
And you can chase anything you have the passion to do.
Fight giving up like you’re a master at Ju-Jitsu
I don’t know when you’ll catch it, but I know you can
You don’t have to worry if it’s all a part of His plan
Sometimes I doubt God’s strength, as if I can even understand
And I point the finger at myself telling people I’m the man
God isn’t confined to you’re spiritual episodes, and sunday morning
He is in the same place He was then, even when you’re mourning
I think there’s something wrong if you’re the same as you were a year ago
Because eventually your walls will come crashing down like Jericho
If I’m not the best then I will become the best, or just not even try
I’m funny looking like all the rest, I kinda have a caving for apple pie
Sorry, sometimes my words come out as nonsense
Like when I try to justify the meaning of what wrong is
I wonder if people will like me for who I really am?
I big fake who writes stuff about how he does the same thing over and over again.
I didn’t grow up in a prefect home, but they tried their best.
That’s all you can ask from parents that barely get any rest.
I did however grow up around a perfect environment, 
until I got a taste of the real world that showed how we’re just spiraling
down the toilet. I don’t even know what's going on yet. 
But I know there’s something deeply wrong and upset.
With this blind world that doesn’t want to admit it.
Still when it comes to heaven everybody thinks they're admitted.
Who knows maybe I could be getting a little schizophrenic.
I don't really care if doing what I love gives me weird glances.
And I not gonna compromise my standards, 
I'm sticking with God and I'm taking my chances.
Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.
I’m sorry it's too late to quit.
I can’t do this on my own I need Jesus to deal with this.
Got a bunch of thoughts running through my head.
I won’t give up this til I’m gone and dead.
I don’t think they heard what I said.
I won’t give up this until I’m dead.

Yes, Christians Do Get High.

-Here is a small piece from my book, Freedom From Myself (Woah, who would have guessed I would name it that?)-

Yes, Christians Do Get High

     By the looks of the title, hopefully you’re not thinking that I smoke pot or something. There is a thing called getting “spiritually high.” It happens usually when teenagers go off to a camp. They get a small taste of what it is like to truly study and read God’s Word every single day. Obviously at the end of the week they are pretty fired up for God. You can probably see them singing the songs they have sung all week long like it’s their last day on earth. To be quite honest, a lot of them are in love with the lifestyle that they are in. Not Jesus.

     Your faith is really tested when you are in a lifestyle you do not want to be in. With that being said, when they return home, they tend to go back to old habits. They get caught up with the wrong crowd, (who were already their friends to begin with) and God slowly get’s pushed out of the equation. That is basically a spiritual high. It’s really sad. This is something I've dealt with in my own life several times, and watched others too. We ride that high all the way into the ground instead of maintaining it to grow in Jesus. If we could only see the joy found through freedom in Christ. Youth camp turns into a taste of true joy, which we think we can only get at youth camp! After crashing from our high, we give up on Jesus all together as if it never worked in the first place. Was that person you? It was me.

     I remember when I had my very first spiritual high. This was the first time I had ever thought about taking God seriously. I had just started getting involved in youth group. It gave me a completely new perspective on how I should see Christianity. Instead of going over the Bible stories I’ve heard a thousand times, they seemed to show us how they applied to us. How Jesus loved us. He died for us, and how all those stories ultimately led up to, and pointed towards the Crucifixion. I went to youth camp in Alabama soon after I joined. I had really just started learning what it was to be a Christian, and I, along with every other kid my age, had also just joined the teenage world. That basically means we were fresh-meat for all kinds of temptations. If you’re a church kid (or anyone for that matter), there are traps you must be careful not to fall in.

     Anyway, going to Alabama was my first getaway from the normal life. We never really went on vacations as a kid. I went to see family, and that was all the vacation we ever went on. I had never gone to a condo overlooking the beach like I did at camp. It was an amazing experience. God really worked in me at that time too. The very last night I remember Matt Chandler was speaking. At any normal, youth, Christian conference they would always present the gospel at the end. It usually goes something like this: “There is a God out there, up in Heaven. He sent His only son down to earth so that He could take the place of your punishment. His son was named Jesus, and He died on a cross to carry the burden of sin for you. If you have never accepted Jesus, I want to offer Him to you today…”

     At that point, teenage girls would slowly walk up in tears begging for God’s forgiveness. Then the guys would get brave enough to do the same and then they would all say a prayer, and it would be done. Now that’s great, but it doesn’t teach the kids that their past life they have lived in is wrong. It tells them, “Hey, you’re a sinner, take this and you can go to Heaven.” Our hormone-crazed minds get over-emotional and take that offer without even thinking about it. (Sure we’re saved at that point, but it’s about following Jesus too. Even though our old habits might take years to throw out, we still strive.) But that is not what Matt did that night, what he said resonated with me.

     He didn’t throw Jesus at us, he showed us first what was wrong with us to begin with. To be honest, I don’t remember what he said exactly. I just remember he was naming off all the things teenagers struggled with: drugs, alcohol, porn, and so on. Near the end he mentioned what I had never heard anyone say before. He talked about one problem that I had always had. For the sake of privacy, I won’t go into detail. All I remember was that it was my Achilles heel. That was the wound that kept me from growing. When he said that, I thought, “Woah, did he really just say that?” It set one of the heaviest guilt trips I had ever experienced. I should have responded to God, I should have talked about what had happened to my friends. But I didn’t, I kept it all to myself. And just like everything, if you ignore it long enough, it goes away. (Or does it just hide itself?)

     Now, to clear things up, I believe that God works through our problems. The wrong answer is pushing Jesus aside until you can bash-in your sin by yourself. We can never truly get rid of it. God works through our problems and reaches the heart. All we can do is fight our problems. Imagine for a second that our sin is a weed. For someone uneducated about the matter, they would just clip the weed. The problem with that is, it grows back. Only Jesus knows how to completely get rid of our problems. He kills it at the root: our hearts.

     In this sinful world, we can never fully get rid of the problem. Jesus is there to take our place so we don’t have to keep trying. I may not be able to explain why I keep struggling, but I can say I’m covered in the grace of my redeemer. Hallelujah! If you are caught, now is the time to find Jesus. Joy can be found in the midst of all this darkness. Just ask.

Normal Sucks

     Let me try to take a load off of your mind. Guys, your whole life adults try to tell you that you need a normal 9-5 job, so you can support your normal family all so you can make it to your normal home in time to sit on your Lazy Boy for the rest of the night watching sports. Or ladies, you had your mothers tell you all your life you needed to know how to cook, and clean, be a homemaker, and be a loving, submissive wife in order to please God. 

Listen to me… Put all of that aside for a moment.

     All my life people have said stuff like, “so what college are you wanting to go to? You look like you would be good at business!” Well... I don’t want to do that. I might be good at it, but I would go mentally insane if I had to put a suit on everyday and got to an average job and talk about marketing statistics all day. Gross.

     This is where I began to think, “Dang. Life is going to suck because my whole existence people have told me to man up because one day I would have a job I would hate. And I would have to deal with it.” Sometimes I wonder if they are just telling me that because they feel hopeless seeing as how that is what they did. I never wanted to get an average job. I didn’t want to be in the norm. I have a theory that we only take the 9-5 job because we are pressured by past generations because it is the most financially stable.

     When I was about 10 years old, my mother forced me into taking guitar lessons. That small flame sparked into an obsession. An obsession that hasn’t and I believe will never leave me. From then on I played my guitar for hours upon end every single day for years, and years, and years. At one point I literally became the best guitar player I knew. I am not trying to sound overconfident, but at a certain point, there was nobody I knew that could play (in my opinion) as fast, or as well as I could. (In my circle of friends) 

But during that time, something happened. But it didn’t take hold until years later.

     At 13, I heard rap. It was Beautiful Feet by Lecrae. Before, every influential figure in my life had told me they were a bunch of gangsters who were pretending to be Christians. Ironically it was their lyrics that grabbed me. It pulled me in to a whole new universe of honesty, real life, and art. It fit me perfectly. I didn’t care that I was a homeschooled, white kid. It was the music by itself that I loved. 

     After that I got sucked into school, being told you MUST do well, so you can get into a GREAT college, so you can provide steadily for your family. That didn’t work for me. I had found this magic in a bottle from hip-hop and writing poetry. The words consumed me. The whole idea of rhyming words and how that emphasized their meaning to further coordinate its message to the listener. It fascinated me. It became this dream that I was told I couldn’t do because it wasn’t realistic. It was something I believe God placed on my heart to chase, but was getting drowned out by the opinions of other people. 

     I still haven’t fully dedicated myself to music and writing. But I plan to. My biggest fear is to end up being a cheesy, terrible artist. If it takes me years to make music, so be it. I rather put out quality work over time, than rush into making horrible music. Then again, I might end up being a writer and a speaker. All in all, I just want to help people with my words.

     My whole point in telling you this is so you can find that 'magic in the bottle' in your life to chase after as well. Forget what everyone else says. Chase what you are passionate about. What drives you to create, and what makes you unique. 

     You don’t have to follow the norm. You don’t have to be who you don’t want to. You don’t have to settle for anything. God didn’t settle when He made you. So why would He have you settle for something He didn’t instill in you to be passionate about? Don’t waste your life trying to please others. Use your talents for the glory of God, and take a risk. 

     Our purpose is not to try to create a perfect life in an imperfect world. 
Our purpose, now, is to spread the hope of Jesus in any way possible.
It is to glorify Him in whatever we do. How can we glorify Him in a job we are working to get away from?

     The good news is God calls us to use the tools He gave each of us. 
Don’t turn into a generation of people who settled for mediocre and kept their real dreams in the back of their mind categorized as impossible. Nothing is impossible with God.

Chase what matters, using what matters.
Find Freedom.